DRINK & DRUGS NEWS :: Q&A

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Thanks to this issue's respondents for their contributions.

Question:

My son aged 17 has been using cannabis since the age of 15, which has affected his career path. Up to this age he was with a professional football club and he was due to sign a contract, which would have taken him to 18, and he would have had the opportunity to develop a career. The effects of cannabis have completely changed his life, as he has become verbally and physically aggressive, which resulted in him being arrested and moved from our home. He lived in a hostel for three months but was evicted due to violence and drug abuse and has returned home. We have little or no support from the YOT team (Social Services) or GP, his behaviour has deteriorated and he rarely leaves the house. The stress this has caused my wife, daughter and myself has affected our whole life. Does anybody have similar experiences or advice so we can take our life and his forward? [Ashley, by email]

Your replies...

Dear Ashley

I know that this may sound a little trite - but he has to want to change. As a young persons drug and alcohol worker for the NHS this is something I often encounter. I do not understand the help available in your area. You say you 'have little or no help from YOT'. Little or none? Your GP should know of local support. The local adult team will have details of young persons services, as will the local DAAT.

However, he has to want it. Are you looking for his support or yours? I am sure he is an intelligent young man, therefore he has made choices in his life. They are to use cannabis, to leave football, to be violent and to be evicted. There are numerous young people I work (and have worked) with that have done some or all of these things, but many who have not.

Drug users vary, but they are all human beings with the same drivers, conscience and needs. Most are not violent, most are not aggressive, most are not thieving from their domestic providers. Many go to school, work or train and use all forms of substances.

For support, you may need to differentiate your family needs from his help needs.

If he is threatening you, report it to police. If he is stealing from you, he needs to understand the consequences of his actions. Many parents put up with behaviour that they would not be allowed to do themselves, but often 'sheltering' them is not the best action. You say he rarely leaves the house, so where does his cannabis come from? His behaviour has deteriorated - why? If he wasn't using drugs, would you kick him out?

I suggest you look for support for yourselves first, as without you, when he is ready to change, you won't be there.

Secondly, if he wants help, then he is ready. It may take weeks, months or years, but it is him at the end of the day. Try those services mentioned, but do not blame yourself - it is a choice of his!

Dave, young persons drug and alcohol worker

Dear Ashley

We are two recovered alcoholic/addicts and have our own personal development business in which we work with both parents and children in similar circumstances. Although there is no short cut to these matters, in brief there are two issues here.

How to move your life forward is to start putting in place solid boundaries in every area - emotional, financial, social and personal. When boundaries are in place and adhered to, this will set an example to your son of you taking personal responsibility and accountability for your own part in these circumstances and empowering you to come out of victimhood.

Your son's behaviour will only change when you change, and his life will only move forward when he takes personal responsibility and accountability for his behaviour. We treat the root cause and not the symptom. If you need any further help with this matter please do not hesitate to contact us.

Veronica and Lesley, Ultimate Personal Development, tel 0870 460 8168

Hi Ashley

It sounds like you're all going through a tough time and you have run out of ideas.

You say that the support services have been of little help, but they can only help someone who will engage with them. Maybe your son is just not ready.

Does your son want the support as much as you do, or is he feeling pressured to change?

It could be your son is very confused and may not even know what kind of support he wants or needs. He may be demotivated, lost, confused, with feelings of hopelessness, anger and perhaps some depression.

Often users feel a lot of guilt for the stress they cause the family, so it will be important to reassure him. Let him know he is loved and cared for, without applying any pressure to change.

If you are able to sit down with him I would ask him some questions about what he really wants and needs, and be prepared to just listen.

Drugs are often symptoms of underlying problems and it could be that you have missed what the real problem is.

Adolescence can be a tough time and maybe your son has used drugs as his way of coping. Exams and the transition from school to work/college can be a testing time for any young man.

I would suggest that you find support for you and other family members and let your son tell you what he wants. If he is unable to decide, or simply doesn't know, I would suggest he sees a qualified counsellor who can help him increase his confidence, feelings of self-worth and motivation, so that he can explore his feelings - especially his anger.

If he feels really listened to and understood, then your son may be able to find his own way through this tough time.

Even if your son won't engage with support services, there is nothing stopping the rest of the family from getting some support. You will have a sense of hopelessness and may feel as though you have failed as a parent and it may be worth talking your feelings through with someone.

A support such as counselling that focuses on your son as a person rather than the drug problem may be of some use to him. Find someone who won't try to stop his drug use but help him to understand it.

You may have to back off and accept that we can't always help - and it may be you who needs some help to accept this.

Mel, drug worker/counsellor, Wolverhampton

Dear Ashley

I was sorry to read your letter about the problems you have been experiencing with your son.

There are no easy answers in a situation like this. However, many young people smoke cannabis and their behaviour does not change as dramatically as your son's has. I work with drug users and those suffering from mental health problems. My comments in this letter are not intended to be a diagnosis, but raise issues that you could consider.

There is a lot of research available about possible links between cannabis use and schizophrenia. Some people suggest that those experiencing the onset of schizophrenia may use cannabis to self medicate. Others believe that cannabis use can cause symptoms in those with a predisposition to mental illness.

You do not say how your son's behaviour has recently deteriorated, but you mention that he rarely leaves the house. Symptoms of schizophrenia can be negative or positive. Negative symptoms include a lack of motivation, some self-neglect and isolating from other people.

Many people are frightened at the prospect of mental illness, but with the right help and treatment sufferers can live entirely normal lives in the long term. I would suggest that you go back to your GP and request some further help and assistance.

If things are really bad at home, you could also contact your local community mental health team and ask them to attend at your house and assess your son.

Nikki, Berkshire

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